Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
