Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
