Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
