it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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