I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
