please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
