Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
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