i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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