suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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