At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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