did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
