My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
