if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I think my fart just growled at me.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
