Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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