I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
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I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
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Someone stole a lamp last night.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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