Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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