billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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