How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We named our party play list daddy issues
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
