I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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