Betty ford says i'm here all night
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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