I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
