paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
