she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
