I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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