I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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