Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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