Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Is Oprah even human
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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