I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
