walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
