I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
