I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
