You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
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