I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
