i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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