oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Randomize
