I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i wish my penis had a tongue
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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