My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
