i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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