one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
