Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
And then my night got REAL pukey
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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