halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
