i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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