end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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