I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
