the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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