Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
