I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
