I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
