If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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