I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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