CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
