She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
