the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize