Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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