He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
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I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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