MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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