I think I am morally bankrupt
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
