Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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