A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
